The Three Phases of Christmas
you ever wonder
why each year
when you get
ready to decorate
for the holidays,
you find your
wound into what
appears to be
of chewing gum?
I have a theory.
I think it’s
due to what I
call the three
phases of Christmas.
Phase I happens in late November or early December
when you’re channel surfing your car radio to find a decent
song. All of a sudden, you hear Bing Crosby singing White Christmas.
A smile comes to your face as you realize that Christmas is just
around the corner. Soon you get a beautiful Christmas card from
an old friend and you remember a Christmas past. Again, you smile!
You write out your Christmas list and begin considering
what would make the perfect gift for each of your family and friends.
You go shopping early to pick up the gifts for the folks who won’t
be home for Christmas. As you approach the store, you hear The
Salvation Army bell softly tinkling, and you reach into your pocket
to donate a few dollars to those less fortunate.
Phase II happens in mid December when it finally
occurs to you that Christmas is HERE! You panic as you begin to
wonder how on earth you’ll get everything done before the
fat man comes.
You go out to the garage to fetch the Christmas
decorations and you’re almost crushed by a gigantic ball
of twinkle lights. It takes you days to unravel that mess. While
decorating, you come dangerously close to falling off a ladder
and breaking your neck. A day later, the jerk next door apparently
hires a landscaping firm to decorate his yard, making your exterior
illumination look sad by comparison. You’re no longer smiling.
Phase III happens the last weekend before Christmas.
You are officially freaked! You go to one of the big city malls
and a flock of kiosk operators swarm you like flies on roadkill
in August. You get jabbed, poked, pulled, and sprayed with all
manner of toiletries and perfume. You walk around smelling like
The clerks are so frazzled by ungrateful shoppers
that when they say Merry Christmas it sounds more like a snarl.
I think what they’d like to say is, “I hope you and
your family choke on fruitcake.”
When you get to your car you, discover that you
have received a gift that keeps on giving. Apparently, an inconsiderate
shopper has unloaded their cart, and rather than park it where
it belongs, they simply give it a push down the parking lot where
it careens off several vehicles before coming to rest against the
door of your car. One thoughtless act - $1200 in ding-damage. Happy
By the time Christmas Day arrives, you’re
sick of hearing “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” You
reduce the possibility of hearing it again by jamming the radio
off and tossing the knob out the window. You consider ripping the
speakers out of the door but fortunately someone cuts you off in
traffic and you’re forced to hurl some obscenities, which
takes your mind off the song.
You are so beaten down by the holiday madness
that the day after Christmas, you just want it to be over. All
you can think about is tossing the tree and getting that junk out
of the yard. You go around babbling for hours. You lose all recollection
of that day and later, you’re surprised that the decorations
made it to the garage.
And…..That’s how your Christmas lights
always wind up looking like the world’s largest ball of chewing