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Terror Girl

I had no clue that my wife Jilda was a terrorist . Yes, she got crossways with the Department of Homeland Security this time last year when we traveled to Los Angeles.

The groundwork for the evil plan was laid at birth. Some say the plot was hatched by a local doctor and others say it was the handy work of her mom who was cranked up on birthing drugs. Instead of Jilda; Gilda wound up on her "permanent record".
She has always gone by Jilda which never caused a problem until 9/11. Now every time we board an aircraft, she gets hassled.
Last November we managed to fly out of Birmingham without getting maced, but the return trip was a different story.

We arrived at the LA airport at 4 a.m. and the pre-security screener caught the discrepancy between Gilda on her photo ID and Jilda on her airline boarding pass. She immediately jabbed a big honkin' RED STAMP on her boarding pass and said "they can help you at the security checkpoint."

As we approached the checkpoint, they sent me down the normal line, and they sent Jilda down the terrorist line. She was in this glass tunnel-like enclosure along with a guy who looked Persian, another guy that looked like one of those weird Japanese cult members, and a middle-eastern woman that was menacing the hired help. "You are singling us out," she hissed in broken English.

I could not hear everything from my vantage point outside the aquarium, but Jilda was looking around as if to say, what is this "we stuff" lady? I’m from Empire, Alabama and the closest thing to terrorism I’ve ever done was to push over an outhouse when I was sixteen years old! “I could almost hear the middle eastern woman saying “Save it for the judge GILDA!”
I thought things were about to get ugly when the lady security officer started snapping on rubber gloves. I can think of few occasions involving rubber gloves that turned out well.
I guess Jilda thought I was going to bail out on her to save my own skin. She was hollering through the thick glass, trying to tell me not to leave her to the wolves.

The rubber gloved screener whacked the glass with a stick and told Jilda to look straight ahead.
There was a very nice senior screener guy (he’d been a screener longer than three weeks) standing there with me and I asked if they were going to do a strip search on my wife. He grinned and said that they had to do a really thorough search whenever there is any kind of discrepancy in the travelers documentation.
After that, the situation became much lighter for me, but unfortunately Jilda could not hear those soothing words and she was still freaked. They searched her purse, her shoes, checked her for explosives, and did the magic wand to check for firearms. When they set her free, she was visibly shaken and when she saw me laughing she was one angry spouse. I was so close to the doghouse I could smell the Kibbles and Bits.
Things went smoothly after that and it's actually comforting to know that these security folks are taking their job very seriously. As we boarded the plane for home, I poked her in the ribs and said "look on the bright side, you are now probably on the Department of Homeland Security's Terrorist Watch List."

That trip was the straw that broke the camel’s back, because she vowed to get the spelling of the name on her birth certificate corrected. This week she finally set the record straight with the Department of Homeland Security when she received the corrected documents.
I think we can all rest better now.


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